Nobody Puts Baby on TV

I'd like to open with this statement: Patrick Swayze forever.

Yes, the original Dirty Dancing was a low-budget sleeper hit that nobody expected to succeed. But, like, that's the charm of it. That's why it works. It pretty much obtained cult status by charismatic leads, a killer soundtrack and great (dirty) dancing.

Selfishly, I feel I've really benefitted from the live TV musicals fad because I adore a midweek, TV-budget train wreck. It's a great way to exercise my cynicism and have a fit of gut-wrenching laughter now and again, but networks can't seriously be expecting positive things from these musical distress calls, can they?

My film repertoire does, of course, include a love for the original 1987 Dirty Dancing and, therefore, Mr. Patrick Swayze. And if you think I'm too proud to proclaim my love for the sequel/prequel disaster, Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights (2004), then you're mistaken (haven't you ever wondered why I know all the words to a Shakira song?).

We all went into the 2017 Dirty Dancing remake disgusted by the mere idea that it was even attempted, so this version was never going to be anything but a disappointing rehash, aligned in the recent constellation of shoddy network musical embarrassments, but still... even armed with those incredibly low expectations, this was bad.

The first issue here is the bizarre casting. This is just your classic example of no chemistry between leads (think Ralph Fiennes and JLo in Maid in Manhattan). In fact, Abigail Breslin's Baby Houseman and Cole Prattes as Johnny Castle are just one big no.

They were also scrambling to differentiate themselves from the original just enough to justify the unjustifiable decision to remake this, so you end up with stories no one cares about. Case in point: no one cares about Baby's parents and the less we know about their sex lives (SERIOUSLY), the better! (Just. Why).

It also felt like an elementary mistake to show us any scenes of Johnny in other women's rooms. Like... that's the part we're trying to ignore, remember? The original avoids those scenes like Baby avoids the lift.

But does it even matter? Nobody wants Colt Prattes' Johnny and Abigail Breslin's Baby together anyways. 'Cause there's like an, I don't know, thirty year age difference between these two people who don't have any chemistry anyway? Why is Johnny like 43 and Baby like 18??

Other complaints include the fact that Penny blurted out that she was pregnant to Baby, the weird Penny and Baby "Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On" sequence, and the fact that my hopes that they would spare the iconic Sylvia and Mickey sequence were dashed (is this also a good time to bring up that upsetting version of Hungry Eyes? Actually, all the covers? All the covers.)

Weirdest by far, though, was the totally uninteresting b-story about the difficulties in Mr. and Mrs. Houseman's marriage. I kept trying to figure out what on earth could have possessed the development execs to think that we would ever be interested in such a thing (given that it wasn't in the original at all). Is this a no brainer or not?? We don't want to see Baby's parents having sex.

The only reason I can see this approach making sense is if the network made a bunch of assumptions about their audience. It seems ABC assumed that if you knew anything about Dirty Dancing, then you were probably alive when the original came out in 1987. Which means you're probably married with kids? Which means you would probably then relate to a troubled marriage B-plot over the young love story (which is the essence of the film?)???

But why make that assumption about your viewers?

In summary, what's an unnecessary plot within an unnecessary film? The whole thing just screams for you to stop wasting your time and go watch the cult classic that it's trying so hard to be and not to be.

Because when you get down to it, here's my point: hasn't this always spoken for itself?:

Let's all just pray that none of the original cast or crew was watching ABC tonight. Whatever the case, one thing remains clear: Dirty Dancing will not be put in the corner.