"Murder on the Orient Express"

If I'd really loved this movie, I totally would have bought this poster.

Cause as much as we all love a nostalgic murder mystery, I'm pretty sure what really got me to the theater (other than Johnny Depp, obviously) was the gorgeous contrasting warm and cool neon tones in their marketing.

And I'm cool with that.

So, the marketing gets two thumbs up from me.

The movie itself? Not so much.

I'll leave any spoilers for the clearly-marked spoilers section at the bottom of this page, so don't worry about stumbling upon anything that might jeopardize the mystery.

Walking out of this one, I was aware of having just watched one of those all-too-familiar over-budgeted tentpoles that no one needed. It felt like seeing an x-ray of what the movie industry has become where you could see all the problems underneath it all: a totally formulaic story, too much CGI, and too many famous faces in your famous ensemble cast so that you don't feel like you get a good look at any one. Except Kenneth, obviously. Kenneth and his mustache.

Don't get me wrong - I love Kenneth Branagh and I have no problem with the character of Poirot. I know a number of people who really love the Poirot mysteries, usually because it's something they can watch with their family. Which is good.

It's just that this Poirot character seemed in a rush to be everything other Poirot characters have worked years to become. You can't just step into the role and let the role do the hard work. Although, of course, no one has any right to tell Kenneth Branagh anything about acting. It wasn't even totally the acting that was the problem? It was, like, the idea that he was Poirot... or not Poirot... or supposed to be Poirot at all...

It seems like Poirot is a strange character that needs to be lovingly, patiently allowed his authority. Instead, this Poirot seems weary before we even get there. We're constantly hearing how this Poirot wants to take a break from solving crimes, but alas, justice can't afford to let him have a day of rest, which is a weary storyline to begin with.

But bringing this weariness up so often makes the viewer weary as well and, overall, the whole thing has the opposite affect; instead of feeling sorry for Poirot, I found myself thinking, "Wow, it must be such a burden to be blessed with amazing intellect and luxury train travel..." Eye roll.

So right off the bat, something in me was on the defensive. I think it's important to listen to that side of your intuition about a film sometimes, because you get defensive when you're uncomfortable, when something is wrong. So being defensive might just tell you that this film is ill-suited to the moment.

Overall, that was what I got out of this one. It just felt hopelessly irrelevant.

It looked pretty, but all of it still made me cringe.

So those are the general thoughts - and now let's get into what really bothered me here. Below there be spoilers! Be warned...

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*** SPOILERS SECTION BELOW ***

Seeing a movie in New York City is like $15.00 minimum, but I invested in this ticket expecting that the 1 hour 54 min run time of this flick was going to be, at least, 78% Johnny Depp.

So when he got killed off in the first third of the movie, I was not happy.

It felt like his over-marketed cameo in Into the Woods was happening to me all over again.

Um, more Johnny Depp please?

Okay, I get it, I get it - surely there's plenty going on behind the scenes that's keeping Johnny Depp in smaller parts at the moment... be it personal issues, preferences, changes in priorities, barriers, whatever - that's his private business.

It's just that, well... Johnny Depp hasn't had a great film come out in quite a while now, and I'm saying that as someone who really loves a Johnny Depp film. Honestly, I was hoping Murder on the Orient Express was going to be a nice comeback for him. Instead, he was stabbed.

Let's look at the positive side, though. In the time that he was on screen, we got to hear him do a really classically overdone New York accent. Also, his name was Ratchett. Both are good things.

I also felt really tricked by the (gorgeous) posters since Johnny Depp is so prominently featured. And it makes sense to sell your movie based on star power... but only if the star power is actually in the movie. Otherwise, you're setting your audience up for disappointment.

On the other hand, I share the blame since I went flying into this one blind. As someone who hadn't read the book, hadn't seen the original film, and had only caught the odd Poirot mystery in passing, I thought it might be one of those ties that going into a film with low expectations - or no expectations - is the best thing you can do for it. Sometimes it's in the surprise.

Unfortunately, "sometime" wasn't this time, but hey...

The weird part is, it didn't even occur to me beforehand that Johnny Depp could have been the murder victim. When I thought "murder", I thought, "yeah, pretty much anyone else except Ratchett". The rationality here was that, obviously, if he's playing a gangster, they'll keep him in commission as long as possible, just to have someone who is the obvious suspect, what with his criminal past and shady dealings. He'd be there because he'd play the role of the most suspicious person of the whole lot.

Nope. Dead.

The disappointing lack of Depp was the primary upset for me. I could have easily been placated into quietly enjoying the film on some mediocre level if we'd just kept my star of preference there for the duration. But I suppose that's one of the many dangers of such an ensemble cast... you see everyone, you see no one. You get a lot and not enough.

Well. You can't have everything all the time, can you?

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