A Very Vampy Valentine's Day

Vampires. Right??

So I'm a little out of season. But this year? It's going to be a very vampy Valentine's Day.

It has recently come to my attention that I am obsessed with vampires. You'd have thought I would have realized this back in my Twilight years (approx. 2008 until when I realized it was embarrassing. Cue a brief sabbatical, until a glorious return when I realized I love embarrassing things) ... or when I became obsessed with The Lost Boys (1987) (I have even seen the straight-to-video sequel. So you get the picture).

Sam and Michael, the original blood brothers. The Lost Boys forever.

I guess I really should have known when one of the first movies I ever truly loved was The Little Vampire (2000).

forever

Even on this blog, I watched Nosferatu (1922) and Dracula (1931) last year and didn't even think twice. I also was basically mesmerized, for better or for worse (but likely for the better), by Interview with the Vampire (1994). The Munsters (1964-1966) has been a part of my life ever since I can even remember.

Anyways, it wasn't until I recently binged the living hell(mouth) out of two incredible television series: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997- 2003) and Angel (1999 -2004). I get that I'm twenty years late to this.

But this does not mean that the utterly devastating and magnificent impact of these shows is any less. The stakes (get it) were very high.

If anything, I went through the horrific highs and lows this beautiful, undead odyssey of teen television - and then there was no one who understood.

this cast *cries*

In this extremely fragile state, my vulnerable heart has allowed the exhortations of friends and Netflix to persuade me to start watching The Vampire Diaries (2009 - present). I'm on Season Two.

So on this lovely Valentine's Day, I find my heart set on hearts that aren't beating. I'm seeing red, but it's likely the result of a jugular or a stake .

I stumbled upon a photo from the Buffy finale online the other day and couldn't even finish aimlessly browsing. I think Buffy and Angel were the real last nail in the coffin.

BUFFY AND ANGEL MAY HAVE HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT THIS PHOTO IS SO IMPORTANT

Because it's not until you binge watch twelve seasons of late-1990s-early-2000s television that you start to think about what your behavior is telling you:

Spike understands.

I am not sure yet how I feel about my apparent obsession with vampires. But somehow, this seems very fitting for Valentines Day, if not only because vampires are incredibly morbid (and what's more morbid than Valentine's Day?!), then also because people are falling in love with vampires all the time nowadays.

For the first time in my life, I can now move forward with this knowledge. Aside from the choice selection of vampy films and shows I've accidentally fallen for over the years (effectively every vampire thing I've ever seen), I now should probably ... I don't know, actually decide to see more vampire movies.

So that begs the question: what are the most essential vampire movies that are missing from my repertoire? Time to do some fang research.

As for you, how are you celebrating your Valentine's Day? I hope it's filled with lots of love (if it's not, Buffy is great place to start).

Have a fabulous Valentine's Day, blood brothers and sisters.

The Stranger Things Season 2 Ad Turned My World Upside Down

The scene: it's Super Bowl Sunday. I am disgruntled because football exists, so I mute the game and listen to the commercials.

AND THEN I HEARD THE WORD "EGGO".

Just after halftime, Netflix aired their first footage-filled spot for the second season of Stranger Things.

And for thirty seconds, I was reminded of the strength and fury which can be brought forth simply by the sound of a vintage Arp synthesizer.

Here's the spot, in case you missed it:

When the game went into overtime, I was like "K." But this -- this was the thirty seconds which made the Super Bowl worthwhile. Immediately, my mind began a series of mental scheduling gymnastics in which I attempted to convince myself that I presently had a spare eight hours to rewatch the entirety of Season One (again).

I have no idea what anything in the trailer means, of course. Except, notably, that I'll have to wait until Halloween 2017 to really find out.

I prefer not to speculate and go into Season 2 much the same way I went into Season 1 - totally clueless and armed with Spielberg references. Prep for Season 2 will include reviewing Ghostbusters as well. And, of course, the endless viewing of this video revealing the Season 2 episode titles:

The most important question I have about Season 2 isn't about Eleven or the Upside Down or that disquieting slug incident (although all are troubling). My question is, of course, about movie references.

The episode titles ad tells us that Season 2 is going to resume in Fall of 1984, but honestly? That didn't really sink in until I saw the kids in Ghostbusters costumes.

My super important question is this: how many Terminator (1984) references are we going to get? And, most important of all, how many Back to the Future (1985) references are coming in Season 3? (That's really where I was going with all of this. My dream is to have the Stranger Things kids talk about Marty McFly.)

I can see it now: Stranger Things Season 3 taking Eleven to 1985 in 2018.

And finally, this question: do you think next Halloween there will be a mysterious shortage of Eggos?

*aggressively sings synthesizer music*

"The Mummy" (1932)

When I feel like being bitingly sarcastic, there's hardly any cure as effective as a Universal monster movie. Anything from the 1930s will do just fine. Tonight, that was original horror classic "The Mummy" (1932).

The glory of an old Universal monster movie takes on different shapes for different horrors. But the one universal (wink wink) trait they all share is the assurance that the frivolous blonde archeologist with the Gilderoy Lockhart hair is going to be left alone, get bored, and open Pandora's (or in this case, the mummy's) box. And that is the joy.

(is there anything like the 1930s Universal logo? The little plane might as well be flying around my heart)

It just happens to be extremely unfortunate for everyone involved that this same archeologist also happens to possess the ability to translate ancient Egyptian texts on the spot, meaning he's also able to mumble the curse which immediately brings the mummy back to life.

The original Mummy has one of the more disturbing reactions to a monster I've ever seen, far more disturbing than the expected scream. Instead, the archeologist who reanimates the mummy shouts - and then instantly lapses into irrepressible and hysterical laughter. This man apparently dies laughing because he was so freaked out. So.

It also has one of the great on-screen zingers delivered by a female lead. Scenario: Love Interest Guy is telling Leading Lady that he fell in love with the mummy princess he has recently dug up. Just when he thinks he's charming Leading Lady, she replies, "Do you have to open graves to find girls to fall in love with?" It's a Hollywood starlet moment. She's just roasted this guy while lounging in a shimmery dress and wearing a flawless smokey eye. Worth it.

Flawless.

If anyone has any qualms about old monster movies not being "scary enough", then I'd ask: is being mummified and buried alive dark enough for you? Because check and check.

And, bonus, the unexpected closeup Karloff with the glowing eyes (about 40 min in) is probably going to haunt my nightmares. It's a sudden and skull-like image that made me gasp, swear and make sure no one else was in the room.

It might seem like a small thing - glowing eyes or a slight movement - but it's all about the emphasis of small movements with Karloff. The way he opens his eyes commandingly in closeup when a servant opens the door, the slightest inch forward as he asks Helen if they have met before. That's way creepier than someone jumping out at you.

More than any other monster movie, I was hyper aware of the resurrected image. Watching ghosts, hearing voices and seeing faces of old. Whispering. Chanting. The very idea that cinema itself is a mummy, once alive, then banished into obscurity, and brought to life at our will over and over. It's a story about humanity's talent and curse: that we can't help but exhume what is dead, to hold on to the past. And when we do, there are hideous consequences. A mummy is a perfect monster for cinema.